Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Where the eff is my window?

You know the saying “When a door closes a window opens?” Well, I’m still looking for that window. I thought that I had it. I thought that since one of the things I loved best was gone, that surely the other thing that I loved would work out. I was sure that this was my metaphorical window. That the universe was going to it to me. Looks like I was wrong. I keep trying not to think that both of my doors have closed.

So maybe I went for the window the wrong way. Maybe, if everything does happen for a reason, that wasn’t even my window. I keep trying to better myself. I keep trying to improve my circumstances. I came from a small town and I’m just trying to make something of myself. I know that I can do big things. I can feel it. I guess I just don’t know what those big things are.

But you know how they say that you can’t date way above your own level? Like if you’re a 5, you can’t date a 9? I feel like that’s how my life is working right now. I should be happy with my lot because maybe that’s the best I can do with my given circumstances. Maybe I’ll always be a 5 and have to settle for doing 5-like things.

I guess, though, I have to remember that I’m only a 5 in one aspect of my life. Why that’s the one aspect that seems to matter so much, I don’t know. I look at the 9’s – the ones who have what I want – and think “why do some people have all the luck? Why does it seem like everything is just handed to them?” But of course, I have a very loving family, I have a very supportive group of friends, I am independent, and I am determined. Maybe, in some people’s eyes, I’m the 9. And, given who I am in 9-like state, even though this window didn’t seem to open, I’m certainly not going to stop trying to find ones that will. Maybe some people would stop trying. I won’t. So maybe it’s what I’m meant to do – have an adventure. I’m beginning to think that it really is all about the journey and not the destination. And what a journey it is.

My parents wrote me a poem last year for my birthday and it just keeps repeating in my head:

May your road to happiness be short
May your life be long and full:
May you always choose with your heart
Life is an adventure, even when it’s dull.

Monday, February 13, 2012

A thought on love

I wonder sometimes which love story I’m in. Am I Lady Mary, making passionate eyes at Cousin Matthew, while pretending she doesn’t really love him? Moving on with her life because she thinks he has? When all of us watching at home know that they’re perfect for each other and that one day, if we wait long enough, they will admit that they both love one another and kiss and get married and live happily ever after. Can I PLEASE be Lady Mary?

Sometimes though, I wonder if I’m that new maid, Jane. She loves Lord Grantham and they can never be together (because he’s married to Cora! Don’t be a bastard Robert!). I felt her heartbreak when she asked if she could kiss him one time before she left. And he said yes. And she cried… I know how that feels. What if I’m Jane and I have to gracefully bow out of a situation in which I have no control and can never be with my Lord Grantham?

And is my love story ending or beginning? Am I in the last fifteen minutes of the romantic comedy where the couple breaks up and goes their separate ways and there is a big montage of the sad yet career driven lovers set to music? Will he realize that he needs me just when he’s about to go into the interview of his career and, in a dramatic turn of events, says, “excuse me, I have to be somewhere” and then runs to find me to tell me he loves me? Mmmm…

Or am I in the first ten minutes of the movie where the girl has been dumped and she’s trying to get over him but she’s still just so heartbroken. And then she meets a new guy (which is a thousand times better looking and much funnier than the old guy) and she’s hesitant at first but he turns into the man of her dreams. And then, of course, she has to go into the previous paragraph of mild heartbreak before they can live happily ever after.

Right now with all the romance on TV it’s really hard not to compare our own situations to those of characters on our favorite shows. I mean, even down to the comedies. The other day, I sat down and watched the Thursday night NBC line up (on Hulu) and saw myself and my situation in every single show. I was Liz Lemon. I was Erin in The Office. I was both Regan and Ava in Up All Night. It’s crazy. But I guess that’s really why those shows are so good. All of the characters are so human that we all see ourselves –or at least part of ourselves, in them. Which is kind of nice, right, that being human is a common experience?

That being said, I do believe that everyone is unique and therefore all situations that humans experience are unique. So, while I appreciate all of the advice on my love life, I think that I’m really the only person who can decide what works for me. Because no matter how you spin it, my situation is different than yours because I am a different person and handle things differently than you do. So there!

You know, I never cared about Valentine’s Day. Some years, I didn’t even notice Valentine’s Day. And everyone said that this year would be different. I would take notice and it would be hard. Well, I am noticing, and it's just weird. I don’t want to be one of those women who dons February 14 “Singles Awareness Day” and looks down on all of the happy couples in the world. But I understand why it’s easy to feel that way. It’s a day where you look at your life and wonder if you will be alone come this time next year. You aren’t going to receive flowers or chocolates (not that I ever did), or go on a romantic dinner date, or put on pink and red lingerie. You might get a card from your grandmother or go to a bar with your single girlfriends, but it’s not the same. It’s not crawling into bed and having someone hold you. They put their arms around you and you just melt. It’s not all that romantic crap that they put in the movies and on TV that all of the single people say isn’t real. You know that feeling is real. I mean, of course, they’re actors up there and not really in love with each other. But the writers have captured the emotion of it in words, and the directors and actors know exactly what it looks like, and suddenly it is real. And you KNOW what it feels like to be Lady Mary longing for Cousin Matthew. And what it feels like for Liz Lemon and Criss to love each other and fight in Ikea over a stupid table. And you hope that when you and your loved one eventually fight in Ikea, he will also make a table out of sticks and make you a romantic meal at home. That just because you had a fight doesn’t mean you broke up.

Don’t we all want that? And it is possible. We just have to listen to ourselves and it’ll all come around in due time. At least that’s what I’m telling myself now. When I’m 70 years old and still alone, I may reconsider. Or maybe I really will be one of those people who looks back and talks about the one who got away…

Oh that’s depressing. It’s so much nicer to look for a happier ending…