Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Where the eff is my window?

You know the saying “When a door closes a window opens?” Well, I’m still looking for that window. I thought that I had it. I thought that since one of the things I loved best was gone, that surely the other thing that I loved would work out. I was sure that this was my metaphorical window. That the universe was going to it to me. Looks like I was wrong. I keep trying not to think that both of my doors have closed.

So maybe I went for the window the wrong way. Maybe, if everything does happen for a reason, that wasn’t even my window. I keep trying to better myself. I keep trying to improve my circumstances. I came from a small town and I’m just trying to make something of myself. I know that I can do big things. I can feel it. I guess I just don’t know what those big things are.

But you know how they say that you can’t date way above your own level? Like if you’re a 5, you can’t date a 9? I feel like that’s how my life is working right now. I should be happy with my lot because maybe that’s the best I can do with my given circumstances. Maybe I’ll always be a 5 and have to settle for doing 5-like things.

I guess, though, I have to remember that I’m only a 5 in one aspect of my life. Why that’s the one aspect that seems to matter so much, I don’t know. I look at the 9’s – the ones who have what I want – and think “why do some people have all the luck? Why does it seem like everything is just handed to them?” But of course, I have a very loving family, I have a very supportive group of friends, I am independent, and I am determined. Maybe, in some people’s eyes, I’m the 9. And, given who I am in 9-like state, even though this window didn’t seem to open, I’m certainly not going to stop trying to find ones that will. Maybe some people would stop trying. I won’t. So maybe it’s what I’m meant to do – have an adventure. I’m beginning to think that it really is all about the journey and not the destination. And what a journey it is.

My parents wrote me a poem last year for my birthday and it just keeps repeating in my head:

May your road to happiness be short
May your life be long and full:
May you always choose with your heart
Life is an adventure, even when it’s dull.

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